Sitting just beneath the bladder and just in front of the bowel there is a gland that, when stimulated, can produce intensely enjoyable sensations. It is known as the prostate gland and for many men, stimulating this erogenous zone results in heightened pleasure and more explosive orgasms. A lucky few can even reach orgasm, or experience multiples, through prostate massage alone.
Considering that one of our primary, human instincts is to experience gratification, it comes as no surprise to know that prostate stimulation is a reasonably common desire. Feeling good makes us happy. Of course, being curious about this type of play is one thing, being able to vocalise those desires is another.
When we share our deepest sexual desires, we are opening up that dark and often secret vault within our minds, inviting our partners to come in and take a look around. We are essentially letting them view an intrinsic part of the person we are, risking deep shame if the recipient decides to use this information to judge, humiliate or reject us. It’s a scary thought and not everyone feels comfortable with this level of vulnerability. Anal play and anal sex toys are one of those subjects that can be particularly difficult to discuss. This sexual act is tied to so many myths and misconceptions that people wonder what their partner would think. Will they struggle to see the forest for the trees?
In these situations, many people choose to hint their way to success. This technique is less risky, because subtle hints come with a level of plausible deniability. That makes you feel safer and more secure. For some, this method might work, but success relies heavily on your partner’s ability to read minds. Because most humans generally lack this skill, you could end up feeling more frustrated than ever.
So how can you work through your anxiety and open up to your partner? Here are my tips:
Do your research:
First of all, I recommend doing your research (and considering you are reading this right now, I assume you already are). As they say, knowledge is power and gathering your facts will help give you the confidence needed to address your partner’s questions or concerns. The blog here at Ododi would be a great place to start, as it is packed full of useful guides and articles relating to anal play.
With research in mind, let’s first address some of the more common myths and concerns about anal play:
Myth 1: If you like anal sex, you must be gay.
The narrow-minded thought process behind this myth is as follows; gay men often indulge in anal sex, so if a straight man enjoys this activity, he too must be gay. The problem with this logic is that it assumes sexual activities are the same thing as sexual identity. Sexual activities, like oral sex and kissing, are enjoyed by gay men and straight men alike, but do we label these activities? Nope. What about masturbation? If it is gay to play with your own backside, then why not your own penis? Do you see how illogical this theory is? Humans have erogenous zones. When these zones are stimulated, it feels good. Pleasure is not choosy. It really does not care how you identify.
So remember this; it is WHO you choose to play sexually with that defines your sexuality, not WHAT you choose to do in the bedroom. Better yet, bin the labels and just be yourself.
Myth 2: Anal sex = Mess
Another common concern for those considering anal play is the possibility of mess. While the potential is always there, there are ways you can reduce this risk. I recommend reading my anal hygiene guide for an in depth look at the options.
Myth 3: Anal penetration hurts:
The only time anal sex should hurt is if you are a masochist and specifically like it that way. If you are experiencing unwanted pain during anal play then the likelihood is that you’re rushing things. Anal penetration requires a slow build up, especially if you are new. For some, it can take months, even years to feel comfortable inserting objects. Remember, lubricant is a must. The anus/rectum is delicate and not self-lubricating. Check out some beginners guides to help you experience pain-free anal play.
Myth 4: Anal sex is wrong/perverted.
Values, principals, codes of behaviour; whatever you call them, we all have them. Belief systems are unique to each person and develop through teaching and experience within their own social groups (parents, peers, politics, religion and more). Sometimes, our partner’s opinions and beliefs may clash with our own and the worry that will happen is what makes us feel anxious to communicate. If your partner holds a particularly negative opinion on anal sex, it doesn’t mean you are wrong in your desires.
Avoid feeling shamed by remembering that you simply hold different, but no less valid opinions. Presenting your point of view in a sensitive, factual way can change other people’s opinions, but if they are stuck steadfast in their beliefs, you will have to accept they are not interested and avoid pushing the issue. Nobody wants to feel forced into doing something they feel uncomfortable with.
Choose your timing:
The best time to communicate about sex is outside of the bedroom. You can have a more focused, logical discussion when arousal is not clouding your judgement. Choose a time when you can both get into a conversation without being distracted or rushed. In other words, not right before bed time.
Raising the subject:
If you really struggle to communicate with your partner about sex, I recommend you work on this aspect before asking for anal. Anal play requires an ability to speak up without fear. You need to be able to tell your partner when something hurts, or if you need more lubricant. As the giver, you need to be able to ask questions to ensure your partner is comfortable. Being too afraid to speak up can result in negative experiences.
Communicating your desires in a direct but sensitive manner is often the best approach. You could say something like “I read an article on prostate stimulation today. Apparently, some men achieve multiple orgasms through this type of play. The idea of experiencing multiple orgasms with you has really piqued my interest. Would you be interested in experimenting with me?” If your partner is generally open-minded, you could even attempt a humorous, cheeky approach as this will help alleviate a lot of tension. Focus on the positives and be prepared to address any comments or concerns in a non-judgemental way.
If you are afraid to ask directly because you are unsure how they will react to your request, try asking questions first. Asking them about experiences with exes will give you a sneak peek at activities they have experienced in the past and whether they enjoyed doing it. Another approach is to say you were reading an article on anal play and were wondering if they had ever tried it before, or what they think about it. For those who feel incredibly shy, you could try approaching your partner through letter, or text. This way, you have time to consider your reply as the conversation happens.
Listen to what they have to say:
When it is their turn to speak, try to hear what they are really saying. It might be difficult, but if the worst happens and they judge you, try your best not to get defensive, or take things personally. They might have concerns, but if you maintain respect and approach these in a constructive way, the outcome is likely to be more positive. If you criticise or attack their point of view, you will very likely put them on the defensive, with you both lashing out and getting nowhere. If your partner is generally open minded and experimental, the likelihood is that they will respond to your request in a non-judgemental way, even if they don’t want to play.
So, your partner agreed to experiment and you are thrilled, but bear in mind that this may be an entirely new experience for them too. They might feel nervous, or afraid of doing something wrong. Keep talking. Show encouragement through positive reinforcements. Tell them when it feels good and don’t be afraid to show your appreciation through moans of pleasure. They will appreciate the feedback.
Most of us get a huge thrill from pleasuring our partners. The next time you are lying beside yours, remember that this person gets to see and touch the most intimate parts of your body. Ask yourself if vocalising your desires is really any different from physically acting on them and whether it would leave you feeling any more vulnerable or exposed if you did. It is possible that your partner won’t share your every sexual desire, so you should aim to approach any differences with mutual respect and understanding. Communication will bring you closer and you never know, it may even open the floodgates to more experimenting and ultimately, a highly fulfilling sex life.