I used to dread dressing up and role playing.
I came to this realisation last week, while squeezing my curves into a skin-tight latex outfit that brings out the dominant in me. Dressing up for sex really helps stimulate my imagination, helping me connect more deeply with the emotions, mood and character I want to portray. Do I want to be his naughty secretary tonight, or let my sadistic side come out to play? The fantasy outfits and Lingerie help bring those fantasies to life and if all goes to plan, it can be an incredibly empowering, confidence boosting experience.
My earlier attempts at dressing up for sex were not nearly as thrilling. In films, the confident, scantily clad vixen sashays across the room, climbs on top of her dazed lover and proceeds to give him the night of his life. Don’t they make it look so easy? As I tottered into the bedroom in lacy lingerie and ridiculously high heels, I felt anything but sexy. Praying I would make it to the bed without breaking an ankle, I wobbled over. I leaned in for a kiss, taking the opportunity to covertly extract the “delicate” lace that was currently residing in the crack of my arse. Now what? I weighed up the chances of suffocating him/impaling him with my heel if I clambered on top and decided against it. I didn’t feel seductive, I felt silly.
So why had my experiences changed? Well, I realised that there are actually a number of factors that can really spoil your dressing up/role play experience and even put you off the idea altogether. What follows is a list of my past pitfalls. If you can avoid these, you should be well on your way to enjoying your role play experiences.
Biting off more than you can chew:
The first time my partner shared his kinky fantasies with me and asked if we could act them out, I panicked. It wasn’t just the fear of the unknown that made me nervous, but not knowing where to start. Using erotic novels and porn as a reference point, my fear heightened. I struggled to see how I could possibly live up to the ideals portrayed in books and film. When I tried, I failed and that was disheartening.
Nobody runs a four minute mile the first time they step onto a track, or becomes a Michelin star chef the first time they set foot in a kitchen. Like anything new, you gain skills and confidence through practise. It’s okay to put a pin in your more elaborate role playing fantasies and come back to them at a later date. In the meantime, you can build up your confidence by taking smaller, much more manageable steps towards your goal. Take pleasure in the journey.
Choosing the Wrong Lingerie:
When I first began dressing up for sex, I saw it as an activity I indulged in to please my partner. After all, it was he who was aroused by the sight of my body, wrapped seductively in leather or lace, so my lingerie purchases should be based on his tastes, right?
Most of us long to pleasure our partner/s, forgetting that sometimes, the best way we can please them is to please ourselves. Just like you, your partner wants to know that you are enjoying yourself and it is difficult to do that when your outfit makes you feel insecure or silly. Likewise, it is very difficult to stay focused on your role play, when your knickers are rubbing your skin raw, or your corset is so tight you are considering adding auto-asphyxiation to your list of kinks tried.
If you want to blow your partner’s mind, shop for sexy lingerie that makes YOU feel comfortable when you wear it. Choose outfits that accentuate your best features and draw attention away from your perceived flaws. When you feel comfortable and in control, you will find it easier to relax and enjoy yourself and that is an incredibly sexy look.
Not Taking Time to Prepare:
Sexual pleasure is just as much a psychological experience as it is a physical one. When I take time to pamper my body in preparation for sex, the process helps me relax, unwind and put aside the stresses and strains of the day. As I pull up my stockings, or fasten my bra, I can’t help but imagine him removing them later. Thinking about the night ahead, my arousal begins to simmer and I fall into the right frame of mind.
One of the greatest benefits to indulging in this ‘me-time’, is that it allowed me to make plans for the night ahead. When I first began experimenting with role play, I found it difficult to think on my feet. I often worried about running out of ideas and freezing up mid-session. Taking time to prepare a general course of action gave me confidence in my approach. As I gained more experience, I realised I was capable, but I still enjoy indulging in that alone time, playing with my sex toys, dreaming up new and exciting ideas for our next session.
Struggling to Work Past Body Confidence Issues:
When you dress up for sex, it can feel like you are wrapping your body in attractive gift wrap and inviting your partner to peel back the layers to enjoy the gift beneath. If you don’t believe that a gift is worth giving, you’d feel pretty silly wrapping it up and calling it special.
I’m not going to lie, overcoming body image issues can be tough. If you have spent a large proportion of your life beating yourself up, it’s going to take commitment to break those habits. I’ve spent a number of years working on my body image, hoping to, you know, love myself. It’s better than it was, but I still have insecurities.
When I started to care less about how my body looked, I could focus more intensely on how it felt. I wasn’t in my head anymore, worrying about those dimples on my thighs. Instead, I was enjoying the sensation of his hands on my erogenous zones. We were both having fun.
Your partner does not see you as you see yourself. We are our own worst critics after all. Next time you look in the mirror, instead of focusing on your flaws, pick out the features you most like. Maybe you are particularly proud of your breasts, or the shape of your legs. Spend some time each day noticing all of the things that make you beautiful, both inside and out.