Strap-On Q&A – Some Helpful Advice

Question

Hi Ododi

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about six months now and I’d really like to try some new things with her. I’m really into strap on/domination sex but I don’t know how to ask her about it or even how to introduce her to it. I’ve tried a few times to ask, but whenever I do I get really nervous and can’t go through with it. I’m not even sure I should ask her, because if she’s not into it, it would pretty much end the relationship, and be very awkward and embarrassing for a guy like me.

I hope you can help!

Answer

First off thanks for reaching out and supporting what we do!!

Strap-ons and Sex Toys

As for the question I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing wrong with strap on or domination play and you are completely “normal”. In a world where sex toys and intimacy are becoming more mainstream and acceptable, so too are “new” forms of sexual expression and experimentation.

Although I do understand your fear and nervousness, I hope that you’ll eventually get up the courage to ask her since it is something you are interested in – and in a relationship, both partners needs should be met.

That being said, bringing up the subject of anything sexually “taboo” with a partner can be a challenging one. It has been my experience that when a person wants to try something new the best way to go about it is to ask questions to test the waters, start small and work up from there.

I’m sure the thought of asking her if she’s “ever done a guy up the butt” is a bit too blunt and point blank for most people, so my suggestions to gain the info you need are these;

1.) Find common areas where that type of play has been found in mainstream media and apply it to your situation. For instance, bondage and domination have been found in comic books , video games, movies and TV (think of the female crusader in her tight leather outfit tying up bad guys and forcing their surrender).

To start the convo you might want to begin by saying something like “I’ve always thought (Cat Woman/Electra/Silk Spectre/Laura Croft etc) was hot…”

By relating it to something mainstream you remove the “weird” or “perv” factor and create a general area for discussion that is open ended and comfortable for both parties to explore.

Another reason that I suggest relating it to mainstream media and female hero’s/vixens is that as a female, playing dress up in boots, leather, garters, masks and taking on a state of dominance can be a very empowering experience. One that leaves her feeling more secure in her femininity, comfortable in her own skin, powerful and confident as well as safer with you.

2.) Once you’ve brought up the subject, spent some time talking and can see she’s still comfortable, you might want to start relating it to sex by asking some questions that open the floor for discussion and wont leave her thinking your a perv. (I hate using that word, but I’m sure it’s something that’s crossed your mind a couple times by now)

Some questions you might want to ask her are;
has she heard of bondage or domination before as it relates to sex?
what are her thoughts on it?
has she ever engaged in it?
would she be interested?

The answers you get to these questions will give you a pretty good idea of if she’s interested and how far she is willing to go.

3.) If she’s not interested my suggestion is to leave it alone for a little while. I say this because if a subject matter is continually brought up, it can cause the other person to feel like it is being forced, leaving them defensive and even more uninterested. Once a month or so has passed, suggest it again with very careful hinting.

4.) Assuming that she is into it and wants to play, I suggest you begin with something simple and fun like furry handcuffs and a blindfold. Let her cuff you to the bed, chair, door etc, blind fold you and have her way with you. Once she feels more comfortable you can move onto things like tying with scarves ( I didn’t suggest this first because knots can be dangerous) ball gags, whips, paddles, playing dress up and more. For more advice in regard to Domination and the world of BDSM you might want to watch my video Spankings & Safe Words.

As for getting involved with Strap On play, my suggestion is to start with the domination and mild anal play for now (butt plugs, graduating to larger sizes over time). Allow her to learn to feel comfortable and safe in that kind of environment and eventually (in the same way as suggested above) see if she is interested in prostate stimulation.

Also, I suggest you check out our Beginners Guide To Experimenting With Anal Play

Debunking The Strap-Ons Myth