A Busy Night… Five Toys, One Reviewer!

Late last week, I realized that my review queue had grown wildly long between the end of last summer and this spring. Somehow, I’d amassed something like ten new sex toys, either explicitly for review purposes, as purchases, or in swag bags. At the same time, I’d been moving away from writing quite as many toy reviews. So on March 31st, I embarked on a challenge…

The Plan

It’s simple: I wanted to try as many toys as possible in one session. As a lazy masturbator, it’s rare that I grab more than two toys when I want to get off. Sometimes, I don’t reach for one at all. So I decided to approach this as an experiment and a ~journey~ rather than as a means to an end. I turned my critical brain on, set up my toy spread, got comfy, and went to work.

The Contenders

On the far left, we have the amusingly-named and whimsically-designed Satisfyer Pro Penguin. The purple ET finger in the top-middle is the Mystery Vibe Crescendo. Below that is my beautiful gold, sparkly, marbled Godemiche Ambit. The magenta twisty one is the Rocks-Off JIRA. Finally, the rose gold/coppery, nozzle-y one is the Satisfyer Pro 2.

Satisfyer Pro Penguin

These Satisfyer toys are designed to stimulate the clit in a way that’s different from traditional vibrators. (Tbh, they seem to be modeled after the Womanizer.) They provide direct clitoral stimulation, which is something not everyone enjoys. It’s a unique sensation, and I would liken it to somewhere between vibration and suction.

Of the two rechargeable Satisfyer models that I was sent, I have to say, I’m not a fan of the Penguin. It’s hard to tell in this photo, but the head of the Penguin is far less squishy than that of the Pro 2, and the opening is a touch bigger. For some people, this is going to work really well, and I have no doubt some folks love it.

For me, it really missed the mark.

The head/nozzle was just too big for me and the controls were absolutely maddening. Because the Penguin has only one button, you have to cycle through every mode to find the one you want to use. That’s just not something I can abide at this point. I’m spoiled.

Mystery Vibe Crescendo

Innovative? Yes, actually. Unique? For sure! Enjoyable? Ehhh…

I did name this one of the biggest innovations of 2016, and I stand by that. It is a unique product and the creators really tried to deliver something that we haven’t seen before. They succeeded! Unfortunately, it has a few serious shortcomings: Namely, the motors and the controls.

The Mystery Vibe Crescendo contains 6 motors, which makes it amazing for patterns and absolutely maddening for everything else. Because there are 6 tiny motors, none of them are that powerful, and all are rather buzzy. If you can get off with very little power, maybe that’s not a big deal for you. Unfortunately, I found it lacking.

The controls give me everything I want in terms of power and pattern selection — I don’t have to cycle, I can easily turn the power up and down, and they’re clearly designated. However… they’re way, way too easy to press. I kept accidentally changing the speed and the pattern, and I don’t even have big hands.

Godemiche Ambit

Honestly, this is the perfect dildo for me. This is it. This might be The One. This is my Desert Island Dildo. It’s all downhill from here.

First of all, the Ambit is perfect for my G-spot and A-spot in terms of shape and density. The tapered head, the curve, the ridge… It’s got a little bit of give, but it’s not so squishy that the curve is useless. The design is deceptively simple, but the details are what make it.

If my vagina designed its own dildo, I am convinced it would be identical to the Ambit.

Also, we need to talk about Godemiche’s amazing silicone. There are currently two small companies that, in my opinion, are absolutely killing the game: Godemiche and Funkit. Both pay great attention to the detail and design of their products, and both strive to create truly beautiful toys in unique colors and patterns. (If you’ve ever wanted a galaxy dildo, look no further!)

Rocks-Off JIRA

It’s weak and buzzy. For a rechargeable toy this size that retails for over £50, I expect a halfway decent motor.


Satisfyer Pro 2

Ah, yes — the good Satisfyer! (For me, anyway.)

The squishy head and much more useful controls make the Satisfyer Pro 2 a hit with my clit. Because of the squish of the nozzle, the vibrations are slightly dampened. Still, somehow, this toy works wonders for me. It’s a bit of a slower build-up than what I usually experience with clit vibes, but then again, this isn’t your usual clit vibe.

Ultimately, I was able to combine the Ambit and the Satisfyer Pro 2 for a fucking phenomenal orgasm, which led almost straight into an hour-long nap. (That’s how you know it’s good.)

The Takeaway

Sometimes I forget that buying a sex toy is often a gamble. Pleasure is very individual, and if you don’t know what works for you, you could end up dropping a lot of cash and ending up with something that really doesn’t suit you. Three out of the five toys I tried were duds for me, and it would have cost over £250 for me to learn that on my own.

On the other hand, there are toys that a great variety of people love because of how versatile they are. The Ambit is a popular dildo because it’s mid-sized, it has a gentle curve, and it’s affordable. Another favorite of mine (not featured in this post) is the L’Amourose Prism V, which is a wonderfully versatile vibrator that I often recommend to folks interested in purchasing a good all-rounder.

What Type of Sex Toy is Right For Me?