Do you know what you want from sex?

Do you know what you want from sex?

Like, really know?

I don’t think I did at every point in my life. Sometimes I still don’t.

That’s not always a bad thing either. Sex is experiential and it’s a process of discovery in and of itself, but it’s also something that can be amplified if you know what really works for you. If you’ve never given thought to that then you’re essentially fucking adrift, lost in ideas of what sex should be rather than what you would gain personal enjoyment from.

It pays to know what you want in all areas of life. Studies in psychology have shown that those who are able to maintain mental wellness (or recover from poor mental health) are those who have an understanding of their core values (positive and negative) and take actions towards cultivating the things that matter and challenging any mindsets that go against the productive core values that a person holds.

The same can be said about sex; not just the actions that you appreciate (which are important) but also what you get from sex; what you value about it and what areas of your greater core values sex resonates with and cultivates.

There’s a lot to unpack there, believe me, I know. As someone who struggled with Vaginismus my body and mind were constantly at odds with each other when it came to sex. The solution to my physical issues, as it turned out though, were mental. They involved a combination of behavioural conditioning (dilation) and mental consideration, both in deep psychological sessions and in what I’d call more ‘micro mental maintenance’ (say that three times fast).

Eventually I recovered and it involved a heck of a lot of introspection, action, and personal clarity.

But how does one get that mental clarity?

Full disclaimer here: I’m not you and you’re not me. What worked for me will not necessarily work for you, or have quite the same impact.

But, here’s the thing; the experiences of others, although they are not necessarily equivalent to ours, can give us tools that we can utilise, customise, and implement in order to find our own little way to gain an oasis of calm and a sea of personal progress.

So, here are a few ideas of how to get to know thy sex a little bit better through, and here’s the cliche part, knowing thyself.

Physical Discovery


Okay, first let’s tackle the physical element of things; because the body and the mind are very strongly connected and anything that involves positive mental action usually also involves positive physical action too.

Masturbation is one of the most affirming things you can do in order to know yourself better. Yes, I know, we’ve been sold this idea of masturbation as being ‘selfish’, ‘sinful’, or even as something you simply stop after being in a relationship, but does that really serve you?

Maybe it does, I can’t say, but what I can say is that when you masturbate you offer yourself the space to explore sex on your terms and, if you want, to clue out the things that matter to you.

Training can also be a really valuable tool. Whether or not it’s dilation to see if you’d like larger toys, or holding off with a Fleshlight (for him) or clitoral stimulator (for her, obviously!) to see if edging is something you enjoy sampling, setting some physical goals and playing around with them (with curiosity, not pressure) is a very useful way to start knowing what does and doesn’t work for you when it comes to sex.

Of course, if you want to bring others in to your physical exploration then that’s cool too. Sometimes essential. A knot session, for example, is something that requires multiple participation, as would things such as exploring bondage, or getting flogged, or even just experiencing sexual roleplay.

Life is about action and, although thinking things through is valuable, even putting those thoughts to paper ultimately becomes a mental decision turned physical.

Speaking about thoughts…

Mental Discovery


That pen to paper time is an immense tool, let me tell you that much.

Take the time (and actually time it) to sit down, for 30 minutes, and brainstorm what sex is to you:

What is means.

What it involves.

What you enjoy about it.

Why you think you enjoy it.

What you want to do in future.

What you like about what you’re currently doing.

What you dislike.

Goals you’d want to set yourself.

Actionable ways to reach those goals.

And any other musings that come to mind.

Give yourself space, for 30 minutes, to think purely  about sex. Very few of us do this and it’s a huge oversight. Because, despite what our busy, jumbled, and always moving modern living might suggest, our brain gets a lot of enrichment from focusing intently on something for a designated time. It won’t always produce vital breakthroughs but, my god, can it free up the space needed to get clarity in so many different things (even if you don’t get that clarity during that time).

Talking is also a great mental tool. Where our minds can have all sorts of frantic communications with itself, speaking with someone gives those thoughts a channel through which to refine themselves, gain a solid form, and become something actionable. Find a way to verbalise your thoughts about sex, whether to a partner or to someone else in your life. In doing so you are also talking to yourself in a much more constructive way.

Finally, never forget the amazing benefits that come from getting creative, letting your mind wander free, and finding the fun in your discovery. Get something ludicrous for your sex life, just for shits and giggles, sculpt your own idea of a perfect dildo, get a kit to make your own sex toys, or attend an adult party, even if just to watch (with permission) and to socialise with others who also find the fun in finding themselves.

Heck, I really want to do a naked 5 or 10k run at some point, if only to take those views I have about sex and my body and flip them in to something totally ungraceful and absurd (I’ll be keeping my trainers and socks on, though).

Sex is about discovery. Life is about discovery and, ultimately, it’s about finding a way to be content and encouraging to one’s self too.

Practice ways to make yourself empowered in your sexual self and your potential is unlimited, just as it should be and just as you deserve.

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